Starting over? Moving on?
I don’t know how to explain it so I won’t. Since Cole passed, life has been flipped upside down, stretched, smashed and spit back out for me to deal with. I have my family to take care of, my parents to help, and work constantly nagging at me. People seem to think that after a month you pick up and move on. “What could possibly be your problem?” I hear people complaining about the most ridiculous things, sad because someone moved away or upset about how they cannot get something they want. I have nothing to say about that or to them. Let them live their miserable lives worried about the meaningless things they suffer for and about.
I now know the feeling a parent suffers when the hand of God strikes down their child, the anger and pain stirred up by losing the most dear thing to their existence. I cannot forgive that, not now, not yet, not here. I give everything and get this in return; a hole in my life that will only be filled by seeing my son again on my dying day or the cold earth dumped over my head like I did for my son. Life is not fair, nobody said it was. My other children suffer too at His hand. Lucky they will move on, I hope they manage to avoid the pains I now endure everyday. Maybe I should not be writing this here; I guess I don’t really care.
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My arms are bound,
I cannot comfort you.
My mouth is bound,
No words to comfort you.
My mind is bound,
I cannot think how to comfort you.
But,
I will be there when I am needed.
Dad
The thought’s of another parent,
Don’t Tell Me
Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don?t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don?t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)